Pirating, part I

Pirate. The simple mention of the word conjures up visions of the open seas and swaggering figures bent on a variety of reprehensible and inhuman deeds. Uh, that's mostly right, if you're thinking of my specific brand of pirating, aside from that part about "the open seas and swaggering figures bent on a variety of reprehensible and inhuman deeds". Anyway, I've decided that I'm going to base my pirating operations out of Boulder Reservoir. That way, I don't have to re-locate during the summer, and I can still attend the midnight drumming circles I've come to love so much. Now, you may say to me, "Hey, Clint--(that's Greenbeard, the Dreaded Three-Eyed Pirate to you, buddy!)--don't you know that the majority of reported modern pirate activity is off the coasts of S. Africa and Somalia? Boulder Reservoir, in its long and illustrious history, has never NEVER had any reports of pirating?" Have you ever thought that this may be the reason for choosing my particular locale??! Get off my back. I'm working here. My motivation, because we all have one, is solely to feed and clothe my family. I want to be a quality provider, and pirating seems to be a better path to that than Amway or Spectrolink long distance pyramid schemes which, by the way, do NOT work and only tie up one's time and energy.

That's what I've got so far...Anyone have a good parrot for sale? An eye patch? Mustache wax?