Never Mind the Deck Chairs--Abandon the Ship!

As it goes with the majority of those good ideas and personal goals that so briefly sail the open seas of the human condition, I've run my pirating profession up against the rocky shoals. Yes, I've scuttled my existential ship. That's right--No more pirating. Even with my quite conservative and moralistic approach to the profession, and my decidedly gentleman-ly ways and more-than-reasonable fair exchange wages for the crew, I've come to the conclusion that pirating does no one any good. It is the cause of innocent children being violently deprived of their Capri Sun (not-so)fruit drinks, and leads to unexpecting parents being separated from their jewels, clean underwear and colorful picnic coolers. I hereby renounce pirating for the duration of my life, and ask the forgiveness of all those lives I've hurt in any way during my highly successful but clearly dubious career on the open seas, er, Reservoir. I will earnestly set my sights on a more practical, high-browed profession to serve the purpose of feeding my family: Fair trade Madagascarian Coastal Lima Bean farming. More on this later, as research and progress merit. During this painful transition, I just say: "Sad days bring forth the rain that waters the spring flowers". Argg, me mateys.